I feel terrible, not ill, just really depressed. Today's just been one of those days where I really hate my life and wish I had done things so differently in the past so that I might have a mission now, or at least be heading towards a goal.
As it is, I have no idea if I want to stay in the career I'm in, if not, then i have no idea what I would like to do, where I would like to live, who I want to be my friends.
Don't worry, I'm not suicidal yet. I'm sure I'll be fine in the morning, I just need to clear my head a bit. Typing it down is actually quite useful, as it's almost like talking to someone about it. I miss the days where I had a few close friends around that I could talk to about anything, and they would give me honest advice. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. My main friends are 40 miles away, and slowly they're all moving even further away through Uni and jobs.
I really need to rethink what I want from my life...
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Well, I haven't been on here in ages, so I figured I would update you.... well, me as nobody else is reading this, on what's been going on.
I completed the Isle of Man End2End challenge, and it was hell. Such a beautiful weekend, I got a tan! But my knee caused me so much grief. I was in tears at the final checkpoint asking for pain killers as I could barely walk. I'm glad that the paramedic gave me some paracetamol (they did sod all!) and that he said to carry on. Next year I want to do it again, should be able to beat my time of 6hrs 32 mins. I want to do it in under 5 hours.
Since then, work has been manic. I have been working double shifts and weekends (including Sundays which I never do!) just so we could get everything ready for 'Projects Week'. It absolutely knackered me out. All that has kept me going is the thought that I'm going to get a huge paycheque at the end of this month.
And boy do I need the money! I'm scarily broke. So scared that I've been stressing myself out at home lately wondering what I should do with my life. I really want to just be able to start a pension (don't I sound old!), and start saving money so that I can buy things I want like a new car (or get the current one fixed up) and eventually a house. So I've been wondering whether or not I should give up on the hope of trying to find a job in Manchester, and maybe start looking everywhere, including Scotland, to see if I can start a new life there. But if i'm honest, I don't want to leave Bury, but all my friends are leaving, so maybe I should stop this thought that moving back there will solve all my problems. It really won't. Hmmm
I'd love to know how to get people to read this, I wouldn't mind some advice from strangers to see if they thought I was crazy, or whether they had some sound wisdom to pass on to me (or even a job!).
Speak again soon.